i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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