6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We left an ass print on the piano.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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