Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
