May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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