I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
