It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
