I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
