I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
