mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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