Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
