the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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