Non-Jews are for practice
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
