Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Randomize
