My friends, they love my intelligence
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i think i have two assholes
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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