Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
