She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
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He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
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I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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