i can't believe i had my finger in that
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
