cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
