guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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