I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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