yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
