I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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