My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
