Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
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these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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