Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
