Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Be still, my beating vagina.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
