Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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