At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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