Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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