I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
