I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
