the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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