Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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