you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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