If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
