Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
