I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
