I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
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Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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