I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
