omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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