Acid is not a monday night drug
The best revenge is premature balding
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
