If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
