the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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