So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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