I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
