I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i now understand why vodka