yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.