dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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