The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Randomize
