just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
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