my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
