im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
