Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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