Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
